One of the things about my life thus far is that it’s so blatantly intertwined with God that it’s impossible for me to answer a simple question like ‘What do you do for a living?’ without getting all spiritual if I so choose. However, when I try to explain the labyrinthian nonsense of the past twenty years I get a bit self-conscious. When I step outside myself and listen to what’s coming out of my mouth, I worry that I just come across as an indecisive loser, saying “I did this for a while, but that didn’t quite work out, so I went and did this…” ad infinitum. By now, it would have been nice to have found something that was a) sustainable and b) that I was actually good at.
The issue is that, precisely because it all involves God, I get a bit worried about how it reflects on Him. I’m not confident that I sound like a particularly good advert for a life committed to following Jesus. “Make God the centre of your life,” I seem to be saying, “and you too can know the joy and freedom of repeated painful failure!” So, the temptation is to be not quite honest about the path I’ve walked, but only because I want to make God look good. Nothing wrong with that, right? Well, actually, it’s all a bit ridiculous. It makes me think of a lyric from the Blindside song Silver Speak – “I’m an ant trying to protect my dinosaur friend.”
There were once three men who were very concerned about making sure that God got a good rap. They had a friend who was going through a hard time, and was not shy about complaining. “Stop blaming God for your problems!” the three men said. “Who are you to drag His name down to your level. Pull yourself together!” They were angry with their friend, because he was making God look bad. In the end, God said to them, “You’re angry on my behalf? Well, I’m angry with you because you have not spoken of me what is right, like my servant Job has.”
I have to keep reminding myself, you see, that the journey I’ve been on has been because of God. I’m not someone who has tried a variety of career paths and not stuck at anything. I’m not even someone who “…just hasn’t found his calling yet”. I’m someone who has done what I believe God has asked me to do. The difficulty is that, in the Kingdom of God, success looks a lot like failure, and failure looks a lot like success. A sick church is unable to distinguish between the two, and chases success, unaware that all the time it’s just failure in a pretty wig. In the end, all God asks for is faithfulness. It’s my job to live honestly, and not worry about how that makes God look.