Following last week’s post, I’ve been reflecting a little more on my spiritual journey over the years. I think I have passed through three distinct stages since I became a Christian, which I have decided to categorise as follows:
The first stage I would call Ignorance. I’m talking about a very specific type of ignorance here; there was a lot that I wasn’t ignorant about. During this stage of my journey I had some optimism about what God and I were going to achieve together, and it was a time of growth and activity; a fruitful period of my life. I was useful to God, and did some good stuff for Him, only bits of which were tainted by my self-sufficiency and pride. However, I was ignorant about a) what God really wanted, and b) what was waiting for me as I pursued Him. I think it had to be this way, because if I’d known what was coming, I might have chickened out.
The next stage was Brokenness. Not a very enjoyable or pleasant stage of the journey, because this was a lengthy process of having my house knocked down. And it took some years for the demolition job to be completed. At this time, I never wanted to give up on God, but I definitely gave up on the idea that I was going to be any further use to Him. It was part of a process, but at the time it felt more like the termination of the journey. On the plus side, this was a time when I learnt some humility and developed a sense of gratitude over even small victories. At some point I drifted into the next stage, but I have no idea when or how. I suppose I was led there, gently and skillfully.
The third stage is Freedom. This might sound like everything is always good now. This is not the case, but it’s different and that’s why I called this stage ‘Freedom’ and not ‘Perfection’. God knocked down my house because I had outgrown it, but the process of having a new house built is sometimes just as painful as the demolition. But this time, I know that the pain is worth it. Every now and then I might wonder if I’d have been more use to God if I’d stayed at stage one, where my ignorance shielded me a little from things that cut right to my heart these days, but I don’t wonder for long. Optimism and energy is all well and good, but it doesn’t beat wisdom and scars. I might feel like I’m doing less than I used to do, but I’m doing it deeper, and God seems to be showing up in it a lot more often. Perhaps this is because people are like horses – only the broken ones will take a rider. I now walk with a limp, but recognise it for what it is: the mark of one who’s been in a fight with God and extracted a blessing from Him. Stage two, Brokenness, was not only God’s gift to me, it’s now my gift to others. The lure of stage one remains, as does the temptation to slip back into stage two when things aren’t going so well, but stage three is my home for now.
We’ll see where things end up, shall we?
This might just be my favourite post out of all!