I have been journaling on and off since I was 18, and recently I decided to read through some of my old notebooks. There are some gaps in my history, where I had a year or so off, but on the whole it’s a reliable screencap of my mental state over the past twenty years.
My initial goal was to write about things I was praying for, and record the various answers (or non-answers) that I got. It quickly became a Frankenstein’s monster; entries were either me complaining to God about the fact that I didn’t have a girlfriend, or some totally surreal stream of consciousness. Take for example, these nuggets from 1996:
25.4.96
Did Paul ever think that his letters would make it into the canon?
27.4.96
Q.P.R. relegated.
I mean, what is all that about? I certainly don’t remember sustaining a brain injury while at university.
I’m exaggerating a bit, of course. There is some good stuff in there too. There are things that God did for me that I had totally forgotten about. I have vague memories of certain random people, but my journals reveal that teenage me had dutifully recorded their names and tried to pray for them over the months. I was really, really weird, but I wasn’t a total lost cause.
One thing that surprised me is being able to actually see myself grow over the years. Even 1997 James seems a lot more stable than 1996 James (admittedly, I was going out with Ruth by then, so the number of “What’s wrong with me? Why haven’t I got a girlfriend?” entries decrease considerably). 1997 James actually says some stuff I agree with, and I see in him the genuine passion for God that 2018 James believes has sustained him over the years. Reassuringly, the growth gets more and more pronounced as we go along, until 1996 James seems unrecognisable.
Some of the things that I have written in my journals I no longer believe, and some of them are just downright embarrassing, but I am thankful for the investment I made in the habit. It’s amazing to watch maturity sneak up on a wobbly teenager who was armed with nothing more than a desire for God and an interest in where Q.P.R. finished each season. I’m thankful to be able to put flesh on the bones of half-remembered stories, and to have a record of exactly when God said what.
And 2018 James has turned out alright.
I journal led for a year or so during our first year at KCL on the recommendation of the Horned One. It didn’t become a lasting habit for me.
What would it take to persuade you to publish your KCL-era diaries with Lioness?
Instead of publishing the journals I could run naked along Strand. It would be just as edifying for others, and less embarrassing for me…
So are you committing to this? Let’s put a date in the diary.
Nothing would ever make me do this, not even Premier League glory for Q.P.R….