Now that’s a tricky question.
The thing is, I’m not sure that I do. Sometimes, over the years, people have asked me if I enjoy preaching. ‘Enjoy’ is not the word I would use.
There’s always a level of satisfaction that comes from doing something that you can actually do. I’ve spent fair chunks of my working life on things that I’m not actually very good at, but I can preach. It’s nice to be allowed to be competent every once in a while.
But there’s more to it than that. I feel very strongly that preaching is not just something I can do, it’s something that I should be doing. I don’t really ever know that I would say it was a ‘calling’, because to me that implies some sort of exclusivity; that my preaching is my primary expression of my faith – the most important thing that I do. That’s not true. The most important thing that I do, and my true ‘calling’, is to try and live a life of obedience to Jesus in every single second of every single day. Preaching is just a part of that.
But I genuinely think that God wants me to preach.
So it’s something of a problem that He doesn’t seem to care whether I want to do it or not.
Tricky.
If I were to sit down after a sermon one day, and God were to say to me, “You know what, James, you don’t ever have to do that again.” I would be quite relieved and very pleased. If it were up to me, I would probably never say anything in public, ever.
But at the moment, if I were to stop preaching there would be something hollow about me, like a pencil that’s missing its lead, and that scares me more than the thought of having to stand up and bear the responsibility of opening my mouth.
Do I enjoy preaching? Do I want to preach? No, not really, but I have to do it. That’s about all I can say: I have to do it. Not for the first time in my life, I feel like that when I get to heaven, I’ll be spending a bit of time comparing notes with Jeremiah…
But if I say, “I will not mention him
or speak any more in his name,”
his word is like a fire in my bones.
I am weary of holding it in;
indeed, I cannot.
Jeremiah 20:9
